I met the friendliest cop last night
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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