who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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