I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
