i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
