Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
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The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
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Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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