I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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