Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
