I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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