I wanna passion pit in your ass
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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