i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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