just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
