the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
