my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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