Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Two words: nipple clamps
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