based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
