He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
