I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
