I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
