I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
