i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
