I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
