I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
