how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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