the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
