Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
