I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
