I accidentally had phone sex last night
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
