I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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