Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
