Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
