My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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