chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
