my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
