I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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