Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
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I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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