i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
