If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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