I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
