I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
