so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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