I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just want nice things and good sex
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
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