i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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