Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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