I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
