Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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