better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
