"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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