I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize