when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I don't deserve a penis
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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