Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
