dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
