not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
