My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
