I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
