don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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