sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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