My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
